White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs: 'mornin', Mr. President.
President Barack Obama: Hello, Bob, what can I do for you?
Gibbs: Well, uh, I kind of need to talk to you about whole BP situation and the, uh, golf game you had this weekend.
Obama: Yeah, it was great, man! Shot a 78! Can you believe that? Of course, that was with 7 mulligans, and those great secret service guys kept kicking my ball out of the rough when they thought I wasn't looking, but still, best round of golf I've had since the whole BP thing started. I'm finally getting that slice with my driver worked out, and…why are you looking at me like that, Bob?
Gibbs: Well, you know, Mr. President, we're starting to take a little heat from all these golfing trips you've been having here recently. I mean, you know that was the seventh round you've gotten in since this well blew out and…
Obama: Yeah, this job's great! I mean, if I'd known a President of the United States could just go out and have an entire golf course to himself and his foursome any old time he wanted to, I'd have run sooner.
Gibbs: But sir, the impression all of this golfing and vacationing creates with the public is that you're more worried about your handicap than you are about all the people getting put out of jobs down there in hick country, er, Louisiana and Mississippi and Alabama.
Obama: Well, what could give anyone that idea? I mean, I've already flown down there and given three speeches, walked around on those crummy beaches and met with all those losers who voted for McCain in '08 – I mean, c'mon, Bob, there's a real limit to how much compassion I can show to anyone south of the Mason Dixon line.
Gibbs: Sir, don't forget, you won Florida…
Obama: Oh, sure, Florida, throw that one in my face. Besides, the beaches getting hit by the tar balls are up there in the Panhandle part of the state, and that's just South Alabama as far as I'm concerned.
Gibbs: Ok, I'll give you that one, but still, sir, we have to think about appearances.
Obama: 'Appearances'??? Hell, BP's not worried about appearances – that Hayward guy spent Saturday at a yacht race!
Gibbs: Well, yessir, I'll give you that one, too, but still…
Obama: Still what? There is no 'still' here – look, Bob, he's at a yacht race, I'm playing golf. Every slob in flyover country plays golf, or at least that's what I'm told, but how many of 'em do you think get to go out and ride on a yacht? I mean, if you put it in the right context, I'm the really common man here, doing what the common man does.
Gibbs: Wow, you are good.
Obama: You bet your butt I am, that's why I'm President and McCain's out there in Arizona having to fight with everything he's got to beat an ex-radio DJ who's been in more tanning booths than George Hamilton just to get his own party's nomination. Meanwhile, I am somehow surviving with a walking gaffe machine as a vice president and have my main rival rendered completely irrelevant as my own secretary of state. I am really, really good.
Gibbs: Ok, well, having conceded you're really, really good, sir, I am going to ask you one more time to really, really consider lightening up on your golf game while this well is still out of control.
Obama: Look, Bob, I already cut my vacation short by a full day to go make a speech down there – how much more sacrifice must I make here? I mean, if I can't play golf, what can I do?
Gibbs: Well, there's a bowling alley down in the basement…
Obama: That was Nixon's deal – not for me. Besides, you saw me bowl during the campaign – that probably cost me 40,000 votes in Akron, Ohio alone.
Gibbs: Sir, all I'm asking you here is to focus more on governing and less on recreating while this thing is going on. Maybe, you know, have some cabinet meetings about Afghanistan and Iran and stuff like that.
Obama: Dude, you are one serious buzz kill, you know that? Have you spent any time with my Cabinet?
Gibbs: Well, not all that much, no…
Obama: Well, you go spend two hours in a room with Janet Napolitano and tell me how you feel. Gimme another idea here.
Gibbs: Ok, how about I get you a pool table installed in the East Wing?
Obama: All right, that's a start. Pretty sure I can take Biden at billiards. And if I can't, I can always get Rahm to break one of his thumbs. Hey, this actually sounds like fun!
Gibbs: So do we have a deal?
Obama: Done! But call that nitwit BP CEO and tell him he needs to hurry up and get that damn well plugged, because I really need work on my long irons.
Gibbs: Consider it done.
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