The President Gets the Bad News

Recently in the Oval Office…

President Obama:  Rahm, I gotta talk to you about this memo we just got from our pollsters.

Rahm Emmanuel:  um, yeah, go ahead, but I'm in a hurry here – got some heads to bash on the whole Wall Street reform deal, and then I gotta go dig up some dirt on a couple of Blue Dogs who aren't toeing the party line on climate change.

Obama:  Says here that our pollsters are advising Democratic congressional candidates to avoid mentioning things like healthcare reform, immigration reform, and jobs in their re-election campaigns.

Rahm:  Yeah, so?

Obama:  Says that the very mention of these issues – issues, by the way, that have been the very centerpieces of my administration thus far – can ensure defeat for members of our party in November.

Rahm:  (glancing at watch) uh-huh, uh-huh, can we get to the point here?

Obama:  Well, uh, Rahm, reading this memo, you'd think our policies are unpopular with the people or something.

Rahm:  (nodding head rapidly while fidgeting in chair)  Ok, so what are you wondering about?

Obama:  …

Rahm:  Look, you're acting as if you're surprised here – haven't you been paying attention?

Obama:  Well, I've been kind of busy…

Rahm:  Mr. President, the people hate our policies.

Obama:  What?  But I'm fabulously popular!

Rahm:  Sir, don't you read those polling memos we place on your desk each morning?

Obama:  Not really.  I'm not good with paper. I'm more of a high-tech guy.  It'd be better if you'd give them to Betty over there and have her scroll them on the TelePrompter, like she does with the newspaper every day.  That as you know is my learning tool of choice.

Rahm:  (Sigh)  Sir, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you are not fabulously popular anymore.

Obama:  I'm not?

Rahm:  No, sir.  Now, you're not in Bush territory or anything like that, but your job approval rating has been down in the 40s for quite some time now.

Obama:  (gasp!)  But how can that be?  I mean, I'm The One and all…

Rahm:  um, well, sir, it turns out that country really didn't move to the left politically in 2008 like we initially thought.  Turns out the voters just had Bush fatigue, and voted for you just because you were less like Bush than McCain was.

Obama:  Wow.  You know, that's damn near impossible for me to believe.  I mean, my entire world view is now in jeopardy because of what you just said there, Rahm.  Are you certain about this?

Rahm:  Yessir, I can get you the polling data if you like.

Obama:  Ok, just get it to Betty over there so she can scroll it up on the TelePrompter.

Rahm:  And, uh, sir?  It really is worse than that.

Obama:  What do you mean?

Rahm:  Well, see, you are actually more personally popular than your policies are.

Obama:  (smiling broadly)  Well, that's good news, right?

Rahm:  Depends on your outlook, really.  I mean, I guess it's good news to you…

Obama:  Yes!  I knew it!

Rahm:  …but it's really not good news to Democrats running for re-election who voted for your healthcare nationalization bill, and who support your policies on other issues.

Obama:  But, but I've always thought that good news for Barack was good news for everybody.  I mean, that's how I've lived my entire life!

Rahm:  Yessir, I know that – it's pretty self-evident to everyone.  But the reality of the situation is that your healthcare bill makes about 60% of the population sick to its collective stomach, and public approval for your immigration policies is even lower than that.

Obama:  hmmm…that does present a bit of a problem, then.  But what about jobs?  I mean, wasn't the public listening last November when I announced from my TelePrompter that my administration would henceforth have a "laser-like focus" on job creation?

Rahm:  uh, well, yes they were, but you know, they were also watching as we moved on to healthcare nationalization immediately after you read that speech.  And then they watched as you moved to Wall Street reform immediately after that.  And they have watched over the last couple of weeks as you have spent your time bashing the State of Arizona over the immigration law they recently passed.  And they've also watched as the rate of unemployment has continued to hover at around 10% ever since you read that speech last November…

Obama:  Ok, ok, enough! Geez!  So tell me this:  If our candidates can't run on healthcare, immigration, or jobs, and Wall Street reform isn't doing us any good either, how in the world are they supposed to run?

Rahm:  Well, I'm suggesting they run away from you, sir.  Heh-heh.

Obama:  Ok, that was uncalled for.

Rahm:  I know, but I couldn't resist.  Now excuse me while I go bash some heads and blackmail some Blue Dogs.  After all, that's the way we really get things done around here.